Stupid, But Some Are More Stupid Than Others
The Age
Monday February 19, 1996
Bear with me. I want to say something but it is going to take a while.
I have recently learnt that beach volleyball (more often referred to as crotch watch) is an Olympic sport.
This is stupid, don't you think? No, I'm sorry, but does this sport meet the Olympic criteria? That means, is it contested in a majority of continents in a significant way?
People playing in the sand while wearing knickers are not significant. Also, if beach volleyball is allowed into the Olympics, then other stupid sports could slip through the net.
First suggestion: unicycle racing.
No, seriously.
I was recently called upon to attend a unicycle race in High Street, Northcote.
I had always thought that riding a unicycle looked complicated and, to my satisfaction, a competitor called Tex Turkey admitted that it was.
Mr Turkey taught himself by riding around under the Hills Hoist, one hand on the washing line, another holding a bottle of rum.
His competition in Northcote was a man in a frock, another in a cap with a spinning propeller and another wearing a white T-shirt with a picture of a violent pink baby with green hair on the front.
The starter's whistle blew at 1pm and the race was then aborted because a tram made its way on to the course. It would have cost $9000 to stop the trams for the day so the local traders didn't bother.
In the end, the winner was Gordon Wilson, who later said that anybody could ride a modern unicycle. The old-fashioned ones, penny farthings without the small back wheel, were harder.
When a rider fell, it was often on his face.
Did that explain the scar on Mr Wilson's lip? ``No," he said. ``My parents didn't get me christened when I was old enough to ride a scooter and, on the day, I smashed face first into the wall of the church."
Well then, perhaps smashing one's face into church walls while riding a scooter should be an Olympic sport?
Alternatively, what about the sport of collecting macabre memorabilia?
Already, Melbourne has a medal contender in Anthony Fredrickson, whose creepy collection is on display at Myer's new grand prix shop.
Fredrickson's hoard includes debris from two of Derek Warwick's mangled cars, one of which crashed in Germany, the other in England.
Also, he has a helmet formerly owned by the late Ayrton Senna (not, presumably, the one Senna was wearing when he was killed in a race crash) and a drive-shaft destroyed when Stefan Johansson tried to engage two gears at once in France in 1991.
Also, Fredrickson claims to have racing visors signed by ``most of the 1995 grand prix drivers, including Ayrton Senna".
Senna died in 1994.
Which brings me to the point. There are many stupid things about sport. None, however, come close to Scott Volkers.
© 1996 The Age